


maybe no one knows what we’re capable of (not even ourselves)

by thewoundupbird



Series: maybe no one is a hero (but i still want you with me) [2]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: AU, F/F, Post Season 2, a bit darker than season 2's ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-01 22:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5222936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewoundupbird/pseuds/thewoundupbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Would you truly be willing to risk everything just to save this monster?”</p><p>But Laura had just laughed and now there were fresh tears in her eyes.</p><p>“Aren’t we all just monsters in the end, anyway?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe no one knows what we’re capable of (not even ourselves)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to damianknight for beta-ing this one. I'm thinking of making this into a small series to cope with the feelings that the season 2 finale gave me.
> 
> Post season 2 AU, if Laura and Carmilla were the only ones that escaped.

Laura had practically become catatonic after about an hour of walking, dragging her feet and stumbling against the walls of the narrow passageway. Carmilla sighed as the girl scraped her shoulder against the rough stone, the bitter scent of blood filling her nose. Swallowing, Carmilla glanced over her shoulder. It was dark even for a vampire’s eyes but she could still see the way the dim light teased out the gold in Laura’s brown hair, and the whiteness of her knuckles as her small fingers clutched at her shoulder. And when Carmilla met Laura’s brown eyes she was startled by how empty they were. They held each other’s gazes for a charged moment and Carmilla wondered idly if they would press each other up against a wall or kill each other. But then Laura looked away first, eyes fluttering closed as she leaned her head against the brick for support.

“Laura?” she asked quietly, hands stuffed into the cool pockets of her leather jacket.

She received no response, not even a flicker under Laura’s closed eyelids.

“What are you doing?” 

Nothing.

With a sigh Carmilla strode forward until she was in front of the girl, so close that the smells of blood, sweat, and that maddening lilac lotion filled her nose. Gritting her teeth she reached forward and gently grasped at the wrist that was clutching Laura’s shoulder. Instantly golden brown eyes snapped open.

“Do you want to die, Laura Hollis?” she whispered, leaning closer until she could feel the warmth radiating from Laura’s skin. She could count the freckles dappling the bridge of her nose and the flecks of gold in her eyes.

Laura’s only response was her mouth tightening.

“If you want to die then you’re doing a fine job right now. Just give up on the side of this hallway and my mother will find you soon. An hour or two tops. And then she’ll drag you off for some god forsaken form of torture until you’re begging to die. Is that what you want? Do you want to die without any dignity, a shred of your former self?”

Laura’s eyes narrowed and delicate nostrils flared.

“If you want to save your friends… if you want to recuperate and regroup… if you want to come back stronger than ever, you’re doing it wrong, cupcake. Because I don’t think stopping here and trying to let my Mother reach you is going to accomplish any of those things.”

She didn’t realize how close she had gotten to Laura until she felt the fabric of the girl’s sweater against her arms. And when Laura turned her head to look right at Carmilla their noses almost grazed. 

Carmilla felt a wave of rage at how weak she still was for the other girl. Any angry words left her tongue in an instant when Laura leaned forward until their mouths were a breath apart. The hand gripping Laura’s wrist tightened.

“Carmilla,” she felt against her lips, “if I kissed you right now would you stop being so goddamn annoying?” Laura eyes were cold as she lifted her free hand and gripped the loose fabric of the leather jacket at Carmilla’s waist. 

“You know I’m right,” she merely whispered back.

She got no response, just an angry huff and suddenly Carmilla was shoved backward, saving herself from falling on her ass by vampiric reflexes. She watched wordlessly as Laura trudged forward, hand still clutching stiffly at her shoulder and back painfully rigid.

 

********

 

If Laura had been in a different mood maybe she would have protested more loudly as Carmilla casually turned a pile of priceless Beowolf translations into a healthy bonfire. Rubbing her hands together with a barely there smile she glanced at Laura. The girl sat rigidly, chin on her knees and arms wrapped tightly around her legs. She seemed deep in thought as she gazed quietly at the fire, her eyes tracking the languid movements of the swaying flames. 

With a sigh Carmilla shrugged out of her jacked, letting it dangle between her fingers as she gazed down at Laura.

“I’m going to take a look around. Make sure we’re safe enough here. Maybe get you some carcinogen filled munchies or something.”

Laura didn’t even glance at her. Didn’t even seem to register as Carmilla draped her jacket slowly over her slim shoulders.

“Stay here. I’ll be back soon.”

Those words seemed to get Laura’s attention. She jerked up and stared right into Carmilla’s eyes with such frightening lucidity that she almost wanted to look away.

Laura opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something but clamped it shut, eyes narrowing as she burrowed her face into the crook of her elbow.

“Go,” Carmilla heard, mumbled with barely any emotion. And so she went.

 

********

 

Carmilla kicked at a moldy piece of wood from a shelf, hearing it clack down the stone floor before her. She had seen a lot in her three centuries of existence. Kingdoms risen and fallen, people birthed and killed, loves gained and lost. But the events of the last few days had shocked her to her core. The fabric of what was left of her rotten heart had been torn with insensitive hands, forcing her to hold herself together with the temporary bandage of surliness and rage. 

After Mattie had been killed she had gorged herself on blood and bodies, trying to forget. Because she was so tired of trying to meet the expectations of others. She couldn’t be Laura’s hero. She couldn’t be Mattie’s partner in crime. She couldn’t be mother’s heartless diamond. Sometimes she doubted her ability to be herself. Whomever that may be.

But after Laura’s desperate video call over Silas’ convoluted ethernet, she decided that even though she had no idea who she really was, a piece of her would unchangeably feel something for Laura Hollis. So she had stupidly walked right into Vordenburg’s trap, ambushed by his drugged-up Zetas and bound in chains and sprinkled with holy water. Carmilla would never forget the feeling of absolute humiliation when she had her cheek pressed to the cold dirt, chains choking her throat, and the heel of the Baron’s foot digging into her back.

“Do I remind you of my long last relative now?” he had whispered in her ear.

But no one could remind her of that dreadful man who had made her feel overwhelmed with so much shame and fear when she had first woke up to her new life. Even though she had torn out the throats of countless men, no one would have tasted as sweet as the late Count Vordenburg.

At first when she had been dragged off by Vordenberg and his cronies, she thought it was to the quad for some sort of over the top execution for all of the student populace to see. She almost thought of asking one of the beefy Zetas if they were going to broadcast it or something. But reality was far worse than her expectations. Because after being led battered and bruised around campus, past the sneers and yells of students in some twisted replication of Jesus’ walk to Golgatha, she arrived at her mother’s old apartment. Initially she had snarled and tried to break free. But Vordenberg and his cronies had to beat her so violently against the elegant wooden stairs that she almost had been confused when she didn’t immediately hear Archaic German coming from their mouths as they yelled at her to move.

She was forced to wait under the doorway as Voldrenberg went on some ramble to the inhabitants of the main room. But then she was dragged in. They had dropped her to the ground like some broken animal at Vordenberg’s feet, her blood probably getting soaked up by the priceless Persian rugs. She had gotten a perverse pleasure at the thought of her blood forever sullying her mother’s pristine home. There were others in the room besides her and Vordenberg but she only paid attention to one thing: Laura Hollis seated on her usual little desk chair, back ramrod straight and eyes wet with what must be tears. There was a jagged cut on her forehead and blood on her collar and Carmilla wanted to violently kill whoever had marred this girl. In a crazy moment Carmilla thought she would rather die than see Laura crushed under the weight of this fucked up world.

“Do you not like seeing your pet in this state, Fraulein Hollis?” Vordenburg had asked as he pressed his heel harshly into Carmilla’s back, pulling a begrudging whimper from her lips. 

Carmilla chanced a glance at Laura and saw her eyes that were wet with some strong emotion turn into fire. She reached behind her calmly and held a rolled up piece of parchment.

“If you plan on killing her, you’ll have to deal with the consequences. I’ll break this charter.”

Carmilla’s eyes widened and she clenched her hands into fists. 

“If you destroy that charter, Miss Hollis, the school will go to Corvae. And you and I both know that is the worst possible thing that we could want for the school and its students.”

Laura merely answered by raising the charter with two hands threateningly.

“Would you truly be willing to risk everything just to save this monster?”

But Laura had just laughed and now there were fresh tears in her eyes.

“Aren’t we all just monsters in the end, anyway?”

Vordenburg had chuckled at that.

“I thought you shared the view that I have, Miss Hollis. That we all are a part of a grand tale, full of heroes, monsters, villains, and obstacles. There is black and white. Good and Evil. We are on the same side, you and I. We do not belong with the darkness that creatures such as the Countess inhabit.”

Everyone watched as Vordenburg unsheathed his sword and raised it above his head. But not Carmilla. She wanted Laura Hollis to be the last thing she saw, the girl who maybe had not understood all parts of her but at least knew of all of them. 

And then everything happened at once.

Laura smashed the charter over her knee. Vordenberg let out a deafening screech. Perry rushed out the door followed closely by a confused Lafontaine and flabbergasted JP. Sirens filled the air with deafening sound. And Carmilla watched as Laura lunged toward her, grappling with Vordenburg and his sword. Even as the old man was going through his death throes he still wanted to kill the Countess Mircalla Karnstien who had sullied his family’s name. 

Carmilla snarled as she struggled against her chains, fighting the pain to try to help Laura. And then she heard the sound of blade slice through flesh. 

She was up in an instant, eyes wide with a fear she had not felt in a long time. And she saw Laura, the blade of the sword cutting her hand as she pressed it against Vordenberg’s throat. Bloody foam gurgled out of the old man’s mouth as his eyes rolled back into his head, his hands clawing weakly at Laura’s shoulders, trying to find purchase. But Laura just pressed harder, a spatter of scarlet staining the bridge of her nose and right side of her cheek. 

Carmilla had just watched breathlessly as Laura stayed there, hunched over Vordenberg’s body until his hands fell limply to his side. And then Laura looked up and Carmilla was reminded suddenly of a lioness who had killed, maw bloody and golden brown eyes gleaming with the light of a great hunt. As Laura mechanically wrapped her cut hand with cloth from Vordenurg’s starched white shirt Carmilla struggled out of one of the chains. When Laura moved toward her, helping to pull off one of the leather cuffs restraining her wrists, she nearly flinched. There was a pause as a warm hand loosely gripped Carmilla’s wrist. They looked at each other and for the first time Carmilla couldn’t quite boil down Laura to a naive provincial girl or some upbeat investigative journalist. This girl before her was an absolute stranger. 

But the moment was gone as they both worked frantically to free Carmilla of her bonds and scampered to open the door of the passageway on the floor. Laura did not even ask about her friends who had left, or give a second glance to the man she had killed on the floor. As she watched Laura rush down the stairs Carmilla had though that maybe they did belong together. Because didn’t two monsters deserve each other?

 

********

 

She returned a few hours later, a few bags of sugary goodies under her arm. Laura hadn’t moved an inch from her previous position, her eyes still trained on the fire before her. Carmilla threw another book onto the pile, a worn copy of Pride and Prejudice.

“I have dinner, Cupcake,” Carmilla said with a causal shrug, waving the bags in front of the other girl’s nose.

Laura gave her an apathetic glance and swiped a bag of cookies from her hand.

“A thank you wouldn’t be too much to ask for,” she grumbled with an eye roll as she sat down next to Laura, leaning back onto her hands with her legs stretched in front of her. She crossed her ankles and chanced a glance at Laura who methodically opened the bag with a neat twist of her wrists, the pop resonating within the cavernous library causing her to flinch. Carmilla tried to tamp down on the unexpected feeling of pity as Laura quietly nibbled on a cookie, gaze distant.

“Do you think they’re all dead?” Laura asked quietly, not taking her eyes off the fire in front of her.

Carmilla sighed and tipped her head back, staring at the blackness of the ceiling.

“I honestly don’t know, Cupcake. Your guess is as good as mine.”

Laura made a noncommittal sound as she munched on her cookie.

“Danny is dead.”

Carmilla glanced at Laura but the other girl’s face was emotionless, the only movement being the steady chewing of her second cookie.

“I see.”

“You’re happy she’s dead right? An eye for an eye.”

Carmilla shrugged.

“Danny killed my sister, Laura. You couldn’t even fathom what she meant to me.”

“She killed her because of me.” Laura turned toward her and reached for Carmilla’s hand. The vampire watched curiously as Laura placed hand on her pale throat.

“Would it make you feel better if you killed me? Since Danny’s kill was taken away from you?”

Carmilla tried to control the sudden wave of anger she felt.

“Is that all you think of me? That I’m some mindless monster who is just trying to paint the world red?”

Laura stared at her for a long moment before letting her grip on Carmilla’s hand slacken.

“It would be fair though, wouldn’t it? I think an eye for an eye has its own form of justice.”

“So, you think deep down that Danny’s death was right because in some fucked up cosmic universe she had it coming? Even I don’t think that’s right, Laura.”

The other girl merely shrugged. 

“We all have it coming anyway. We’ve all done bad things, Carmilla.”

Carmilla scoffed, baring her fangs at Laura.

“What sort of terrible things have you done? Stole some cookies from a jar when you were twelve?”

Laura whipped her head toward Carmilla and her eyes were blazing with cold fury.

“I slit Voldenborg’s throat open and I didn’t even really care because he had done so many terrible things. I think I even… I even liked it. Before this year I didn’t think I could even do something like that. But the way he just stood over you, like you were some sort of prize he had earned. It made me want him to die. And then when he tried to kill you… I-I had to do it.”

Carmilla swallowed as she noticed the tears trickle from the sides of Laura’s eyes. Wordlessly she scooted closer and wrapped an arm around the other girl’s shoulders. It was almost habitual the way Laura leaned into her touch, resting her nose against Carmilla’s collar. 

“I can’t tell you why you felt those things, Laura. And I can’t say whether that was right or wrong. But I am grateful. Because you found my life worth saving.”

Laura shifted away at the words until their faces were close enough that Carmilla felt Laura’s breath on her cheek.

“You’re still grateful? Even though you watched me kill him like that in front of you?”

Carmilla’s mouth twitched as she gently brushed a tear away with a thumb, moving to tuck hair behind Laura’s ear.

“I don’t think I can compare the things I have done to what you have done, Laura. You weigh your sins differently than mine. But I can tell you that when I see you I still have a phantom ache where my heart used to beat. Even after everything… you still have a hold on me, Laura Hollis.”

Laura gripped at the collar of her jacket, tugging her closer and sloppily sliding their mouths together. When Laura kissed her Carmilla tasted salt and chocolate. Shifting to gently cup Laura’s cheeks, she pulled back after a moment.

“Will we ever be alright?” Laura asked breathlessly, still tightly gripping Carmilla’s jacket.

“I don’t know,” Carmilla whispered back leaning in for another kiss. Laura’s hands moved to wrap around Carmilla’s waist and pulled her even closer. It was like they were clinging to each other as if they were the last people on earth. In a twisted way, Carmilla thought as Laura fell onto her back and Carmilla easily straddled her stomach, they had gotten the runaway fantasy that Carmilla had so desperately wanted. 

Except as Carmilla gazed down at Laura she couldn’t avoid seeing the blood that still clung to Laura’s cheek or the new hardness in the girl’s eyes. But, it didn’t matter. She wanted all parts of Laura Hollis. The bright-eyed girl who had bravely worked to find missing girls despite so many hurdles. The calculating girl who would do anything to reach her goals. And this girl who would go so far as to kill in order to protect what she loved.

As Laura’s hands moved to grip her hair and she dropped her kisses to her neck, Carmilla realized that no matter how fucked up it was, she still loved Laura Hollis. And she was pretty sure that Laura still loved her too.


End file.
